One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
My dad.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look