*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Sorry. Not sorry
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
The smoothest fall of all time
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I missed you with all my darts
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time