When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
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Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
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It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks