Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
You Might Also Like
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.