I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Practicing safe sax
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.