So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
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mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
every college guy’s fridge
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My wife gives the best headache.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter