My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
You Might Also Like
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
synchronized noseblowing
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.