When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
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Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.