Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
You Might Also Like
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
☺️
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
broke down and did it
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers