*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
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I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
paddle faster i hear baby shark
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
me before I type out affect or effect
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?