If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
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There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I feel it
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful