Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
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[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
“How’s your day going?”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
checking out some reviews of my local library