The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
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Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous