[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
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How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.