A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
You Might Also Like
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My love language is hissing.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.