ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
plums roundup
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.