Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
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Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
BaD BoY!!
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Fries, not lies.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.