December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica