When life hands you women, make women laid.
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just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
The Others (2001)
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov