doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
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I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere