Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
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does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I need to update my racial profile.