I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
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Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.