No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
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Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest