M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
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Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Breaking news:
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
#MeanwhileInCanada
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth