Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Pikachu found the lost joint
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.