*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
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*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
At least he brought enough for everyone
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.