*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
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Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Air conditioning – not a fan
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.