2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”