Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
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Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
all that yoga finally paid off
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement