Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
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Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Sign of the day..
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?