Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
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*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey