The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
You Might Also Like
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Where’s my employee discount too?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.