[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
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Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.