GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
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Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha