For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.