No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
You Might Also Like
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Spring of Deception
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Twitter is an abusement park.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My dad is at it again
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
shut up and take my money
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.