the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
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[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score