triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
You Might Also Like
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]