Boom, boom, ching!
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Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?