My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
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[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
wishing you and yours all the best
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂