Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
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ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”