It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
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4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
wow
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely