Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
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Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
This is my brand.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I support this random dude and all his protests
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.