Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.