Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
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*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
*Seductively hides in the woods
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you