Air conditioning – not a fan
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Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The happy life.. 😊
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals