[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
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According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.