I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
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You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
no their not
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS