I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan