Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
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Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
my lower back watching me try to live my life
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My life in a nutshell
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.